So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
