I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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