these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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