I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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