We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
