it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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