Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
