just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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