apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
