You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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