I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
