May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
