now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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