If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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