I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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