He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
