i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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