i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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