I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
