The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
