I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
