Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
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Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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