I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
