dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
