I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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