i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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