Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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