did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
