Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
