i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
