you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
