i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
