now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
