It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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