I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
