His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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