I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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