So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Houston, we have a squirter
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
