Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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