It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
