she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
