at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
