dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
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Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
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Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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