I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
