You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
