sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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