Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my shit smells like andre
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
