i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
