I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
