I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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