I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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