so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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