So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
