I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
